A Reflection on Generosity and Gratitude

When I was in college and had dreams of becoming a writer, I reached out to one of my favorite poets, Palestinian American Naomi Shihab Nye. “I believe we live in the same town,” I told her. “ Would you be willing to have coffee with me?” I was elated when said yes, and I was even more thrilled when we sat together. I thought she might say the road is too hard, or too risky, or too unpredictable. Instead, she told me I should do it. And that was just the push I needed.

This past month, I was back in San Antonio for a book event on peacemaking and storytelling. And guess who one of the fellow speakers was? Naomi Shihab Nye. I approached her during one of the breaks, not expecting her to remember me. I told her how generous she was with her time, how she encouraged me all those years ago, and how much it meant to me. It was my first chance to thank her for helping me realize a dream.

As we spoke, I came to realize that both of these moments — now, as well as decades ago — meant far more to me than they did to her. She vaguely recalled our meeting all those years ago, and even now, she was generally gracious in receiving my gratitude. But in both cases, I was far more affected than she was.

Here’s the thing about moments like these. I’ve been on both sides of this generosity, giving and receiving. We all have. I remember forever the schoolteachers who helped shaped me. But I’m not quite sure they remember me. And as much as I personally get out of teaching, it’s also true that my students remember me better than I remember them.

It makes sense when we think about it. We remember and appreciate those who help us in our journeys. We wouldn’t be where we are without them. And so often, it’s just from the goodness of someone’s heart, as I experienced with Naomi.

What we don’t think about often enough is how we are each also on the giving side of these relationships, in part because we are less affected personally, and in part because we don’t know how our actions impact other peoples’ lives. But in reflecting on experiences like these, it’s clear that we make imprints on one another without ever knowing it.

There are two challenges that come with this awareness. The first is recognizing that the impressions we make on one another, however unintentional, can be positive or negative. Imagine if over coffee that day, Naomi had discouraged me from writing rather than encouraging me. She was the greatest writer I had ever met, and if she told me I wasn’t good enough, I would have accepted her advice at face value. The impact would have been just as significant, though my trajectory would have been entirely opposite.

There’s immense power in our daily influence, but the risk is that it can go either way. What can we do to ensure that we channel it for positivity rather than negativity?

The second challenge is this: In learning to feel grateful for those who have helped support you, might you also be able to recognize your role in doing the same for others? This is a hard one, because, again, we don’t remember the generosities we give as much as those we receive. But there’s an upside to this reflection.

If we can recognize what we have given to others, we can become more aware of these opportunities when they come and be more intentional about how we approach them. A heightened awareness of how we give to others is also a gift to ourselves. It can remind us of the power we all carry to positively impact others and, in seeing the meaningful difference we can inspire, give us confidence in giving more of ourselves to one another.

As I sit here today, reflecting on my gratitude for people like Naomi who have given me so much, I’m also now reflecting on the possibility that I may do the same for others. And the more I think about it, the more excited I feel about giving. I hope you might feel the same way too.